If you go away...

This evening, Charlie's dad Chuck was talking on the phone to his buddy Justin about helping out their co-worker with his whole moving-to-a-new-house process and I was in the bathroom putting my face back  on. I had the door open and I was listening to what my son Charlie was up to - I don't do this on purpose now, it just comes naturally.

Toddlers tend to make a lot of noise, and it doesn't take a genius to realize the toddler is doing something when there is silence.

After slapping on some eyeshadow, I noticed I could no longer hear Charlie or his dad. I assumed my boyfriend was out on the fire escape smoking, but what of little Charlie?

I quickly came out to investigate what my son was up to (assuming he was pulling out all 72 baby wipes one by one to form a neat pile like he usually does) when I realized...he was not in the living room. Our apartment is very small. I rushed over to the bedroom.

Charlie wasn't there.

I immediately felt my heart start to race.

I ran back into the living room calling out his name while thinking "Why would Chuck take baby outside while he smoked?" and I pushed open the door to our home. I banged on the fire escape door and Chuck gave me a surprised look as he asked "What's going on?"

"Chuck, is baby out there?"

"No.."

I felt my heart stop... it quickly started up again.

"I can't find him! Where is he?" I stammered.

I turned on my heel and raced back through the door, all but tripping over the coffee table when I looked up and stared into those big, familiar eyes from behind the arm-chair.

Charlie was sitting behind the chair, hiding because he found his dad's McDonald's apple pie (2 for $1.39) on the coffee table and he wanted to eat it in peace.

I wanted to cry, my heart was beating up into my throat. I was shaking as Chuck rushed in behind me.
I pointed at Charlie.

I did not cry, though. But I still could not stop shaking half an hour later.

I had dreams like this, where I was suddenly without my son and those dreams broke my heart.

I don't know what I was thinking when I was searching for Charlie in my apartment and not finding him. But I felt broken. And our small apartment, stuffed full of everything, was suddenly empty.

This doesn't seem like such a big deal but it was for me.

I am saddened to think of those who have lost their children.
I lost mine for not even two minutes and I am still shaken up about it.
But some people lose theirs forever.

I love you, Charlie.
You are the reason I was put on this earth.